Growing up Catholic, Lent has always been a time for me to reflect and take stock of how I'm doing with my life and what I'd like to have more of and less of.  I was was very fortunately raised by progressive parents in a peace, social justice, and compassion church that encouraged us to do something positive for Lent instead of giving something up.

I still love and value the tradition of choosing to set aside 40 days to cultivate new habits or release old ones.

This year, I am committing to releasing some of the thoughts that have been truly slowing me down.  For one thing, I'm giving up worrying.  My plan is to use the brilliant bracelet method so effectively introduced by the Unity Church.  When I notice myself worrying, I shall shift the bracelet and my thought, instead choosing to surrender the worry to the universe and replace my worry with a thought of what I want to have happen.

The challenge on this one will be noticing when I'm worrying.  I don't always realize it.  I'm recovering from a long illness and still unsure of its cause or cure.  This is a huge invitation to worry.  I worry about how to take care of myself, how to get my career back on track, if I'll get sicker, if I'm a burden on others, and the ever-worry that my life has no meaning.  Now that I recognize these as worries, I can free myself from them because they are really not serving me.

My other Lenten Promise addresses a deeper challenge in my life.  I am ready to believe that I am a worthwhile human being on the planet and to accept, joyously, all the gifts that I'm given every day.  So as my life returns to normal, and I return to the job that I love working with clients I treasure, I will not feel guilty or ashamed of the money I make or the ease of my life.  I will celebrate the gifts I've been given and use them to serve the world, which gives me the greatest joy possible.

To make this promise meaningful, I shall keep a gratitude journal focusing on how very happy I am and accepting every gift the universe sends my way.

I shall use this blog to post updates and queries, and if anyone else wants to share a Lenten journey, I'd love to hear about it.

I'm fascinated by the continuous spiral dance of transformation in my life. 

After a year of amazing growth, success, and flourishing, December has brought a time of reflection, rest, and quiet, the proverbial Dark Night of the Soul.  Where I had been welcoming and allowing my highest good, this December I've been scared.  I mean, I've been -SO- happy. 

I love my job.  I love it so much that I typed joy three times before finally getting job out of my fingers.  I teach classes that help others to open to their magnificence.  And I get paid to do it!  I marvel at how joyous my life has been this year.

And then, this choice to stop believing and allowing.  To make life more difficult and even to experience health challenges again.  I've learned a lot from the books The Secret and Ask and It Is Given, so I recognize that the Universe is showering me with gifts, as long as I'm willing to accept them.

Well, OK.  I'm willing.  Just for today, I'm opening up and joyously expressing myself. 

A friend has asked, "How good can you stand it?" and I'm willing to find out! 

So here's to the search...and to anyone else willing to join me on it.

*Huge, Deep, Joyful Sigh*

I've just returned from Coach for Life coaching school, and I'm feeling more whole, more full, and more radiant than I ever have.

This has been my dream for many of the years that I was too sick in bed to participate in the world of work.  And now I'm not!  I'm a Spiritual Life Coach who helps courageous people who want to achieve their goals quickly and effortlessly.  I love my job.

I'm also a published writer!  My first piece has been accepted by a regional newspaper, and I am so ecstatically proud!!  I knew it was just a matter of time, and ripe time has come! 

The third part of my dream career is manifesting as well, as I've agreed to teach The Tao of Time Management and Find Your Bliss...and Follow It for our Parks and Rec group this fall. The classes are scheduled and ready to go!

The most important thing I learned this week at coaching school is this:  Yes, Juliana, it really IS this easy.  And so it is....

so last time we left our brave but frightened heroine sitting in a pile of her own fear and powerful feelings about a rape that occurred about 4 years ago....

now we find her peacefully and curiously typing, ready to explore the miracle mindshift that's occurred:

i think often the greatest miracles occur in our minds.  i have moved so far so fast i'm a little bit stunned, and yet i know it's true movement because i've been practicing so long and working so hard that things are bound to shift quickly for me.

the bulk of the shift took place in my counselor's office.  i LOVE my counselor.  we've worked together on and off for years, and she's just wonderful.  she knows my history, my style, and she knows just what to ask to help me to move stuff.  so move we did.

now, instead of feeling fear and anger at my community for not supporting me after the rape, i am focused on re-defining my community and who fits in with me and who doesn't.

my eyes are open and searching for good friends, true friends, who'll support me and meet many of my needs.  I'm ready to make changes and not be as close with the folks who don't see eye to eye with me.  I want beautiful, bold, brave friends who speak their truth and who will help me to speak mine.

i recognize why this is all coming up:  i am Uber-Vulnerable right now.  i've been speaking publicly repeatedly about polyamory and other topics dear to my heart; i'm about to send out my query package to a stranger for a book that is written from my heart; i practice life-coached a friend; i'm leading an organization of cats.  everywhere i turn, vulnerability and stretching.  so of course i'm feeling like i need comfort and support.

also, i'm a little iffy about how well my needs are getting met. like take my executive board for the poly organization i head.  they don't get quiet to listen to me, and i don't have the energy to talk over them or to repeat myself.  plus, i hate doing that.

then there's my home, which i just gave a huge chunk of myself to get organized and pleasant, and it is now well on its way to being organized and pleasant (woohoo!) but it took a lot of doing.  and i would really have rathered my partner to have been more involved.

but none of that really matters 'cause i just want to shout, "Glory Hallelujah!" 'cause i'm learning the lesson and making the shifts that are going bring balance and harmony to my life and happiness to me.  i am totally psyched.

i'm someone who's always willing to do the work, once i know what the work is.  a part of me now likes doing things that scare me.  i'm here to be here and to be helpful and to be me.

so, my new work:  1.  defining my community of supporters 2.  finding ways to get my needs met and my voice heard or getting out of the situation and 3.  getting lots of comfort and support as i step bravely into my community as my real self.

 deep breathing, always deep breathing....

peace, peace, peace. 

Sometimes when I invite the universe to help me to grow it gets pretty intense.  So, here we are...This weekend I had a big huge party to help clean my house because it's wall-to-wall my partner's stuff and I've been here over a year with my things in storage, and I need to have a home that suits me better.

I need some beauty in my life, some flow through the house, less swearing when I can't find what I need, less frustration when my sweet little doggie stands in exactly the place that is the only 2 foot path to the other side of the house.

So we had people over, and we now have a living room!  where people can sit and that i'm not totally ashamed to invite people into.  Our kitchen is waiting for my tables to move in.  I am breathing much better and feel the energy flow through me much more powerfully.

We did lose a few things in the move:  1.  my pain medication patches and 2.  the feedback a friend sent me for my book.  I'm sure we lost track of more, but these two rankle most.  

My pain is so loud without the opiate to dull it.  i'm barely functional and my eyes have lost their light, as they do when i am so deep inside that i cannot shine out any longer.

i am enjoying, in a way, sitting with the pain, partly because of the Sweat Lodge i experienced this weekend.  i went beyond my limits repeatedly as i sat in my feelings of drowning and near-fainting and experienced the ritual.

i claimed my major lessons of illness:  trust in my community, speak my needs aloud and let others help, take good care of myself, worry not about others and trust they are taking care of themselves.

each unfolded in the Lodge.  i leaned on my neighbors, Andreas and Teresa, letting them know i was close to passing out and letting them check on me, touching them when i was afraid i would leave, resting my head in Andreas' lap so he would support me.  everyone assured i had plenty of water.  everyone helped me to move.  

at the opening circle, when we passed the pipe, i had a great need to take off the floaty summery dress i was wearing (i'd come from a picnic at a winery), so i spoke up to the community and asked if they were comfortable with me being naked....it was so good to speak my need and not to really worry what others would think about my enjoyment of my naked body in the woods.  Just to know it wasn't offensive, and then let go of concern for others and focus on me for now....

i'm a born and deeply bred people pleaser, so to 1) know i have a need, 2) speak it, and 3) ask to meet my need are each miracles and great big steps for me. 

i suppose i could blog long and loud about the sweat and all the things i learned and truths revealed to me:  i was visited by an ant queen and taught how to organize nations and work with people; i died and was reborn a caterpillar and then went through the cocoon to emerge a butterfly; i felt my wings; i shared about my mentally ill grandmother and the wisest words i've ever heard that she wrote to me: "i'm not good for much, just loving."; i fell in love with a new potential partner and each member of the circle, and our journey.

the surprise that's up for me is the rape, though, so that is what i am going to write about instead.  i was raped on the 4th of July , after a party i hosted, 2001 or 2....i'm not surprised the year is cloudy. i used to be unable to remember my rapist's name.  

during the lodge, i was unable to call and check in with my partner, and it took a lot longer than expected, and he was very fearful because i was with a potential new love, who could turn out to be as disrespectful of my bodily integrity as Dale was.  i started to type "the other man," because i reflexively protect his identity, as if i were the one to bear the shame of this event....like i need to protect his anything at all.  

 it's also up for me because i'm considering a new sexual partner, and i haven't been with a man who isn't my Ted since the rape.  so any new man i'm afraid i will freak out on and start screaming or run away....and i'd hate to do that....but it's very possible that it will touch deep feelings in me.

after the lodge, nursing my new potential lover who got a migraine from the heat and low blood sugar, i had images rising in me.  i felt pain localized in 4 places, mirrored on my clavicle and also roughly where ovaries would be.  and i knew i needed to draw.  so i drew, and there are my insides in knots in red and also my mouth in red shouting....so i know i need to yell and shout and pound and release my deep anger at this incredible violation and the further violation of a lot of my community choosing not to believe me.  he is still in our community.  i still see him.

i am not his only victim.  if i'd know he'd never do that again, i would be ok.  i can't know that.

i have lost the ability to eat fiber.  my body will not move it through my system.  it just rots inside of me.  (note:  please no one try to tell me otherwise about this.  just listen and be present.  i believe i've found my path to healing.  just support me.)  i believe the timing for this is near to the rape....or the rapiversary, and i believe that some kind of healing of that deep violation will let my intestines re-learn to squeeze and to process food.  i just don't know how to do that.  here is where those who want to help can be helpful:  how do i process this?  how do i let go of the damage done to me?  

i've been through a support group at our local women's shelter that was really helpful.  i plan to discuss things with my beloved counselor/therapist, and i've called the women's shelter and talked with the heroic rape crisis coordinator there.  i have a sharing circle tonight where i can share it, and i can draw or sculpt.  i think i will try calling a friend to come be with me until my husband gets home.

or else....give myself a bath...sit with my shit and make it into fertilizer.

i know what i'll grow!  Flowers. 

What wondrous trip!

I had such a great time--saw the baby panda and ate cheesecake for breakfast and had my face and nails done and talked all night with my bestest friend and had an awesome party where we took bellydance lessons and i wound up dancing on the bar and eating lots of yummy bolivian food, including fried plantains and coconut shrimp.

 the best part, by far, besides being with my best friend, was dancing on the bar.  their menu said that they encouraged it, and so i requested a song, and when they played it, much to be the bartender's dismay, i got help up onto the bar where i strutted and danced and laughed and enjoyed.  

i think it worried the bartender that it was only 10:30 and i was already wantin' to dance on the bar.  i don't think he believed that i was sober.  which i was.  no, really.  it's just that when i have an opportunity to have a new experience, i go for it.

i keep thinking back to that moment and laughing to myself.  i felt so confident and funny and free.  it was like the NLP session where i was trying to get in touch with my inner confident, authentic self, only instead of being a child who was brave and bold enough to do anything she wanted to do, i am a grownup with the same spunky spirit.

i really love myself for that.

the more i practice believing in myself and acting authentically, the more i enjoy it and find that it isn't really as scary as i expect it to be.  and also that it's lots of fun.  

i have really great taste in what i like.  *giggle*  so i pick out the best things that i like.  it's so much more fun than worrying about style or other people's wishes and wants.

 it's good to be home.  i missed my husband, my dog, my cat, and my bed.  i have so much work to do this week, and fortunately i'm returning well-rested and ready to do it all.

my heart is full of love, the pain in my body is the merest whisper, and i'm ready to cuddle in bed with my new blanket and my old baby bear and sleep with a smile on my lips and a twinkle in my (closed) eyes. 

off to the place where the big decisions are made and the parties are cocktail.  oh yes, DC, the land of the mighty (and many) monuments to dead white men.

 my best friend's gettin' married, and we figured why not celebrate in the place with the biggest phallus i've ever seen!

anyway....this is obviously not working the way i intended.

 i'm flying out tomorrow since it seems i'm winning the Battle of Little Big Migraine (hooray!) to spend the weekend ogling baby pandas, writing short articles, self-indulging away at a spa, and partying with my bestest friend in the whole wide world.  (who is getting a matching ostrich feather bra and thong set for her gift, but shh! it's a secret)

i don't think i'm going to send off my query package today or tomorrow, which disappoints me, but i really need more feedback before i'm ready to send it out.  so i'm going to write/call some friends to see if they'll meet me for coffee (my treat) and editing (theirs).  

 

so i'm giving myself permission to push back my due date because that's what seems wisest to me, and i trust my inner wisdom.  

 and i feel good (nah nah nah nah nah nah nah!) i knew that i would.

Whoa, Baby.

Just finished my two sample chapters for my query package.  i already have a draft of the query letter and abbreviated outline, so the entire package is drafted and just needs editation.  which is not a word, but i don't care :-)

 i feel like the queen of the world, and also a little nauseous.  i want to do something decadent and fun and silly and playful and self-celebrating.

 allow me to enumerate:  i just got home from a camping trip in the hothothot french lick, indiana, where i rested plenty and took most excellent care of myself.  i got help every time i needed it, and i took lots of naps and dips in the nekkid swimming hole.  it's been a long time since i've been nude in nature, and oh it felt so good.  and oh my friend looked so pretty bathing herself in the crick surrounded by forest.  a true goddess.

i did two presentations during the conference, and they went beautifully.  i can still talk in public (phew!) and i still really enjoy it.  i can keep a conversation flowing, letting each person share but no one dominate.  and my ideas are sound and well-organized.  i had a blast.

 i also attended a cuddle party, which was fascinating.....www.cuddleparty.com.  i was a little nervous about cuddling with people i'd only just met, but it was very healing and comforting and well, safe.  i loved the structure, and our lifeguard did a wonderful job holding the space.

one of my biggest challenges is feeling safe to be me, so to actually allow myself to be held by strangers and to have my hair stroked and to ask to touch and to state aloud my permission to be touched felt so veryvery comfortable, healing, home.

after arriving home and showering and sleeping TONS, i got myself in the chair at the keyboard and banged out 2 chapters of my book.  yes, two. (2).  that's what i need, and that's what i got.  i'll edit tomorrow and i'm on target to meet my goal.

 i'm not used to feeling so proud of myself, so drunk on self-love, so capable and funny and free.

i think i like it. 

OK, so I'm living my bliss, right?

Which means I'm working on my three-pronged career:  writing (query letter is in rough draft form and sent to friends for editing) check! and presenting workshops (i have 4 to do this weekend) check!

It's been awhile since I've presented a workshop....Is it like riding a bike?  Am I still funny and engaging? Will people like me?  (shades of Sally Fields there.)

 And camping...ayiyi!  Cold makes me HURT.  so i hope i have enough layers packed.  I haven't camped since I was really healthy, and I don't know if I can do it anymore.  And camp plus show up all professional to present?  eep!

 I am having a lot of fear right now.  I am afraid I'll not do as well as I want to do. I'm afraid that camping will be too much stress for my body and that I will become sick from doing it.  

I'm a little afraid of this group because a lot of the other offerings at the conference are on the Kama Sutra and Sense O Rama and more sex-positive than my style of polyamory.  I'm very sex-positive, and I'm very choosy about with whom I share my sexual self.  I'm more interested in deep friendships that might happen to include sex than in purely sexual relationships right now.

 At any rate, I know it will be interesting and that I will learn a lot.  I'm bringing lots of water, hand warmers, and layers.  

And I'm praying for peace inside, which is always available to me.  

So I think I'll accept. 

i am so amazed at myself.  i survived.

 i more than survived. i endured.

 and now i'm wrapping up preparations for my meeting tomorrow with a published author to go over my book proposal and get her feedback.  i am so proud of me.  i am so amazed by me.

 had a great time today at the Children's Museum with my 3-year-old niece and 1-year-old nephew and 15-year-old stepdaughter.  we saw dinosaurs and played with "glass" sculptures and rode the carousel and laughed out loud!  i'd add pictures from today, except i don't seem to do a good job with that.

 then i watched Kiss the Sky, a fascinating movie about searching for meaning and happiness in life.  a group of 20 polyamorists gathered to watch, and then discuss, the film, and it was fascinating as always to hear such different points of view from watching the same movie.

 the main issues discussed were trust, (whether it is earned or freely given, whether you start out assuming a person deserves trust or whether they need to prove that they do), faith and how it relates to trust and what to have faith in, and the importance of a strong foundation for both buildings and relationships--involving full-on honesty if we're talking about relationships.

and now i'm wrapping up my outline, which is very rough, but ready for some feedback.  i can't believe how much information is in my book!  it really could be 2 or 3 or 7 books, if they were small :-)  

 i'm looking forward to finding an illustrator and really really looking forward to getting my logo digitized and my website designed.  i'll have to fit it in while i work on my sample chapter and prepare workshops for next weekend's conference.

 can you see how i get stressed?  i really need to constantly simplify and remind myself that breathing and smiling and nurturing my body is more important than any other goal for the day. everything else is gravy.

 i just hope i get soaked in gravy!